I desperately want to believe that there is a God, but everytime I try, I get dragged out of it by my own rational mind. It feels like no matter how or how much I worship, there will always be a part of my mind which tells me that I'm really only doing it because I want to believe in something, not because I actually believe. There is a very stark difference. I have destroyed my brain will overconsumption of media. Too many different opinions. I fear that I will never become my own person, for my mind has already been poisoned. We are witnessing the death of communities and the rise of cyber society - where everyone is one big hivemind, a place where there is no religion, only ideas, and when youre surrounded by only ideas, then how will you know which are yours? I've been living in one big daydream for my whole life, gradually building up everything I've ever wanted. According to my own bullshit pseudo-psychological philosophy, that daydream is just as real as real life. But its not! I know its not goddamnit!! I wish I was completely insane, delusional, so far gone I could just regect normality and indulge myself in my own philosophy. Alas, I'm a hypocrite and an idiot. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I struggle to put what I think into words, be that verbal or on a screen. Nothing I could string together would make sense anyways. The only place it would make sense is in my mind, and that's as good as fucked when it comes to rational thought. NO! that contradicts everything i just said ! i am capable of rational thought, and that rational thought is the bain of my existence! it disrupts my natural idiocracy and ability to believe in my own thoughts and leaves me devoid of any concrete beliefs. i should probably sleep soon,,,, i have an impending job interview at a local trampoline park. that should be fun. ANYWAY POSSIBLE FIXES::::: i could leave the internet for a while to develop my own personality,,,, but i dont wanna do that, so im fucked. i guess this is my personality. should i really count all the bad unstable parts of my personality AS PARTS OF MY PERSONALITY? SHOULD I REALLY TAKE AS MUCH PRIDE IN HOW UNSTABLE BY SELF PERCEPTION IS AS I DOOOO? PROBABLY NOT anywho, as a rule of thumb i tend not to trust anything i tell myself past 12am and onwards. ill probably be fine tomorrow.